A quick side note, im writing this from my phone so my spelling may not be spot on because of autocorrect

Where to begin...i guess ill start from the beginning. One of my first memories is of me not talking. Every little kid is told not to talk to strangers, but i didn't even talk to people in my family other than my parents, grandparents, and a few close aunts, uncles, and cousins. When i started school i would talk if the teacher asked me a question directly (or a classmate talked to me), but would talk as quietly as possible. We were always told to use our inside voices, so i didn't want to get yelled at for talking too loudly. We were told not to run in the hallways or on the sidewalk, so i would walk extra slow to make sure i wasn't running. One day in first grade a teacher kept me inside at recess to talk to me about talking louder in class (so the teacher could hear me). I remember during inside recess (we had all day, every other day kindergarten with two outside recess periods on one inside) there were different play stations set up around the room (a sand box, blocks, and other things i don't recall) and i remember different kids seemed to prefer one area over others, so that's where they played most of the time. I didn't want to interrupt them or "steal their toys" so i would grab a couple blocks or something that wasn't being played with and play by myself. I don't really remember having friends until probably second grade, but i wasn't very close to them. They all seemed to be best friends with someone else, i was just sort of there in case no one else was around. There were occasional sleep overs, but i was the one who got makeup put on my face while i was sleeping because i fell asleep first. The other girls had talked about it while we were watching a movie, but my sleeping bag wasn't in the group of sleeping bags because there wasn't enough room or all of us in front of the tv, so i didn't know about the plans. As i got into third and fourth grade i made another friend, but she bullied me too, pulling my hair, hitting me, throwing snowballs at me. After a couple years i stopped being her friend. Middle school wasn't any better. We went to school in a different town from 5th grade up, and the kids from my elementary school were already looked down upon by the kids from that town along with the staff. We were made fun of a lot, and i remember in choir a girl didn't want to stand next to me. I had a friend or two for the rest of school, but i never felt close to anyone. Im not even sure what it means to be close to someone. I barely graduated from high school because i didn't go to class often. I was easily one of the smarter kids in school but i didn't belong there, i didn't feel comfortable there. I now know that part of my problem was the academic track i was on. I should have been on a vocational path. None of the teachers believed i would succeed in college, so i had to prove i could. I ended up graduating from college with a bachelors degree with honors without much effort. I still feel like i never belonged with those types of people (white collar, professional types), but i tried to fit in. After graduation i found a factory job back home and have never felt the sense of belonging as i have the past couple years. I love the people, i love the work i do. Im thinking about heading back to the local community college for some formal training related to my job, the type of stuff i should have studied the first time around when i had financial aid to pay for it.

Outside of school, the only othere kid in the neighborhood full time was my cousin, a few years older than me. She was friends with the kids that would come up on vacation, but they were her age too, so whenever i was hanging around with them they would all start doing things they knew i wasn't allowed to do because of my age (ride my bike across town, etc). I was the tag-along that no one wanted around.

As far as my family goes, i was raised by my mother and have no siblings. Well, legally. My father has two other children old enough to be my parents. I've never met them and to ky knowledge they don't know i exist. I haven't seen or heard from my father in approximately 15 years. It never bothered me until recently, but that's a different story I'll get to in a few minutes. Before i was born, my mom would take some of my cousins on little day trips to different historical or tourist places, but she never took me anywhere until i was an adult and could take her there. Nobody in my family ever calls or writes to see how Im doing except for my mother. That doesn't bother me much though because i don't really share the same, well, anything with my family. Im much more liberal than they are and many conversations they have make me uncomfortable. I have an aunt whose mission in life is to try to embarrass others. I have a cousin the same way. My life is much more peaceful without them. However, that leaves me with pretty much nobody except for my mother, boyfriend and pets.

And now to my boyfriend. We met at work a little over a year ago and have been together for about 6 months. He has a child from a previous marriage, but doesn't put much time or effort into their relationship. He pays child support with no complaints and sees the child about once a month for a couple hours. He says its a time/schedule conflict, but i think he just doesn't have his priorities straight. It was an unplanned pregnancy and he wasn't sure the child was his until he got a paternity test. The marriage fell apart quickly and one of his ex-wifes family members has custody. They allow my boyfriend to see the child with no arguments, they still have a good relationship. There's no custody game being played like a lot of custody arrangements then into. From my point of view, its lack of effort, immaturity, and selfishness on his part. This relationship between my boyfriend and his child is what made me rethink my relationship with my father (or lack of). I don't want him to regret it someday. He doesn't want anymore children, and Im leaning towards not having any. We agreed to do the best we can if something unplanned comes about, but we are trying to prevent it. I think he would be an amazing dad if he wanted to be. Our relationship otherwise is great, we get along really well, compatible financially, we keep religion and politics out of it, but can at least agree to disagree and be peaceful about any differences there.

Another problem i have is not feeling like Im good enough. I remember i was never tall enough or loud enough or fast enough. I got good grades until halfway through middle school when i realized that nobody really cared. My cousin would get good grades and get congratulated, etc. I got good grades and got "well, we expected it from you". I quit trying. I was the first un my family to graduate from college. I was the youngest to buy a house. Im the only responsible one in the family financially. My cousin the one i had played with when i was younger) was book smart but has zero common sense. She goes from one emotionally abusive relationship to another. Battled a drug problem, slept around. Not known for smart decisions. She recently bought a house and the family made a big deal about it. My mom has been to my house twice. No one else has seen it, but visit my cousin weekly. Everything seems to contribute to my lack of self esteem or confidence or whatever you want to call it. I know Im very hard on myself, but even at work i feel like no matter how many parts i produce or how many problems i solve, i should have made more or found the problem sooner. The boss is always quick to point out things like that. I've been cross training in a different department lately but the supervisor, without seeing any of my work, said i wasn't good enough and might as well give up. A few days later after he saw some of my work he changed his story, but i still feel worthless and like a failure.