I can relate to you. Although not as bad. I've never asked my wife to hit me. I do sometimes do things implusively to her maoe mad. There was one time I did something inappropiate, and then the got upset and smacked my hand. I impulsively did it again. There are other times where I did similar things, such as taunting her to hurt me. I try my best to stop the behaivor. It is both bad for her and me. I'm just glad she is not abusive. I tend to do this kind of behaivor when my mind isn't all there. It is like I am in another place, and I do something implusive to upset her. I don't have a history of abuse. There have been a couple of incidents though. She sometimes bits my finger. It is something her dad used to do when she was little. He would put the side of his hand in her mouth and she would playfully bite it. She does that to me sometimes and I want her to bite me really hard. I even told her to a couple of times but she didn't. I think it is possible self defeating personality disorder. Or maybe masochism.

I think you should get into therapy if you can. You don't deserve to be hurt, no matter how much it feels like you should be. I think engaging in these behaivors feeds into itself and creates more self hatred. I hope you keep yourself safe and can find a way to curb these feelings.