Hello, it's me again. I hope this was the right area to put this in, considering I haven't actually been diagnosed with depression. But I sure feel depressed.

I'll try to make this very brief, as I rather find my other posts long-winded and annoying. I can't stand myself. I am an evil, vile person. I get so jealous of others, including my best friends, that I get this mentality of "Well if I can't have it, no one can." Just in general, very violent and negative thoughts. I'd never do anything like that...at least, I hope. Sometimes I just want to pound the stuffing out of someone and hope that'll make me feel better. I'm hypocritical, a loser, never do anything right, mediocre, without any motivation...I'm just nothing.

Which is why, last night, I set it in motion to make it so no one has to deal with that anymore. I won't let people be my friend anymore. I've posted on Facebook and Skype that I'm leaving forever and going back to being all alone like I was before I came online. I've never had a real life friend. I've always been like this. It seems all along, I was just forcing myself to be something I wasn't, to try and be around others. But even if I was the most sociable person on Earth, I just don't deserve the friends I've been given. My temper has driven away one of the best friends I've ever had...well, either drove him away or made him need a time-out from me. That's what he said before, but how should I know, I don't trust anything or anyone anymore. That's when everything went downhill. My best friend got all mushy with this guy, and come to find out they're video calling and Skype chatting when I've never heard her voice. They've been talking for three months, she and I almost a year. I mentioned it to her, and got a response for everything else I said BUT that. Can't really blame her for not wanting to hear my voice. And then, I find out that my mother is likely pregnant. All that combined just really set me over the edge. Aside from my friends, I have absolutely nothing. No prospects, no dazzling talents, I'm not even good at math or studying anymore. Every bad thing is falling on me, and I have no escape. I'm even losing the will to get away in the first place. So I might as well get rid of the last thing I have, right? I just don't want them to suffer me anymore. All I ever do is talk about what's wrong in my life, and I have nothing else to say after that. Even if I do, no matter how close we are, I'm afraid to say it. My interests aren't that broad, mostly all I talk about is anime. And if I have something deeper on my mind, I'd just feel dumb and too desperate for conversation if I all of a sudden said HEY LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS! So lately, I just keep my mouth shut and get seethingly jealous of everyone else talking like normal people. But I know I'll miss them. And I know they'll miss me. It's so confusing, I don't know what to do. Yes, I know I should get help. But I have no money for it, and even if I did, I have no way of getting there by myself, anything applicable so far is too far away. I know that people are probably going to say that yes, I deserve friends, and I deserve to be happy. But how can you possibly say that about a true monster?