I can't talk to anyone about what's going on. Not even a professional. I will NOT go back into the hospital. For one I can't afford to for two I just don't want to. The mental health nurse I've got mentioned going into the hospital today when he called to check on me. I'm not suicidal. I've been thinking a lot about SI but that's not a reason to get locked away is it? I'm fighting the urges and sticking with my gameplan for the most part, but they are still there. Its to the point tonight that I want to call and cancel my therapy appt set for Mon afternoon. I can't deal with this crap. I can't worry about getting put back in the hospital if I tell the truth. But if I lie I'm just going to feel bad about that which is going to perpetuate the whole darn cycle. I just want. All of this to be better. I want to fit in and not see myself as a freak. I'm hoping to be falling asleep soon, but with how anxious I am I don't are that happening for a few hours. Grrrrrrr...........