i looooooooove your poem! i totally understand. when I am in a depression that is exactly how I feel. I don't want to WANT to die anymore. I don't want to WANT to hurt myself. I wish I could go back to being normal - except I never was.

I did most of my recovery work outside of therapy (i got sick of therapists) when I was trying to recover from childhood trauma and abandonment. It was a lot introspection and writing on my part, and also letting myself actually feel feelings knowing the feelings themselves wouldn't kill me. It was so hard finally accepting my father's death and my mother's neglect - but I felt so much better for it. i can't say exactly what happened except I just had to sit with the feelings of grief and anger and realize they couldn't kill me. I had to accept that they were there and that I had a right to feel that way. The last major hurdle for me was to allow myself to be angry with my father for dying, which I never did because he died from illness, so obviously it wasn't his choice. When I finally broke down one Christmas (always at christmas!!) i wrote a long letter to him in the voice of ten-year-old me. I cried a whole lot but when I was done and I had felt the feelings i began to be able to forgive him and move on.

obviously I know how impossible that sounds! If someone had told me that when I was going through my worst problems I would have told them to get lost - and i did, numerous times. but it was the only thing that saved me. you are a poet, and your poetry can be your out. unfortunately I cannot explain exactly how to do it!

just know that it IS possible!!!! You can make it through, hell you're alive despite whatever happened to you as a kid!

(problems i have now are purely chemical)

I hope you feel better some day - it always sucks waaaaaaay worse before it gets better. that was my experience!