Canders,

In a way I can definitely relate to you. I went through the cutting phase and stopped for the part. Still cut like once or twice a year, but nowhere as much or as bad I used to. What I would try to do, is place limits on when I would cut. Try not to do it when I wanted to, and get past the hump. If I still felt back say an hour later then I would give in, but usually if you ride out the emotions when they are at their peak you will not want to cut badly, or find it to be too much effort. At least I did. Naturally any other therapy stuff you do that works should be done as well, but for me I found that trying to place conditions on when I would allow myself to do was better than saying ok, I am done, as you can gradually change the restrictions while still not cutting. Ok hard to explain, but worked for me.

And you do not seem that misunderstood from what you wrote. Your posts were very clear. Seems you are having a tough time dealing with the loss of the sensations cutting gave you. Naturally there is very little to do to mimic that directly so a void is left. Somewhere you learned that cutting has a pleasure response and breaking this is the problem as when you get depressed it triggers the desire to want to cut.

Also you are still adapting to dealing with the changing of your mood. Best to remember that most really bad moments do pass and pass rather quickly. You will not always be in the abyss stage of depression or in the panic stage of anxiety. Usually if you calm yourself a bit and step back the worst passes. It will not be all sunshine after that, but at least you will stabilize.

Hope some of this made sense or helped.