As a kid, I was always called a "pushover", and rightly so. I let my peers walk all over me, take advantage of me, be mean to me, all without a word of my objection. I just wanted to make them happy, even if it mean being an overly-obedient little punching bag. Of course, I began to realize as I got older that I have no sense of pride, I can't bring myself to break rules, and I'm basically the same way as I used to be, only now I find myself despicable for being this way.
I blame myself because that's how I always have been. No matter what anyone does to me, I was asking for it somehow. When I try to stick up for myself, I'm scolded in one way or another and I end up backing down. Nobody respects me.
I'm now uncomfortable in positions of power or dominance, and I have just enough pride to constantly feel like a weak, pathetic little pushover all the time. The thing is, it's too late for me to stop all of this nonsense and help myself. Every time I try something new, I expect to fail and be ridiculed so sometimes I just don't try things. I just don't value myself anymore, and it scares me.
The worst part? The people that pushed me around as a kid and made me the crappy excuse for a human being I am today now yell at me for never sticking up for myself.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it much longer. Every time I try to talk about it, somebody just kind of directs the conversation back to them and their own more important problems, so I can never get a word in.
I feel alone with this problem, and I'm really starting to hate myself for it.