Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster
Moonlitsky, thanks so much for doing this.
Something that comes up frequently on these pages is, well I didn't have it as bad as some other person, so... But part of that "equation" then should include, WHEN did it happen? Because the younger you were, the more lost you can be. On the other hand, the older you were, the more aware of your losses. So no one is a winner. Not really a question there.
Just wanted to thank you for the Winnicott quote. My t quotes him relatively frequently. I consider myself lucky that we have been able to work thru my compulsive asking my ts to marry me. Once we realized that the reason WHY I wanted him to marry me - "then everything would be alright" - was straight out of the past, out of my mother's crazy head, and not really anything to do with what a stud he is (?! - cuz sometimes he just looks like my pervy uncle Bob) - well, then things started progressing.
Oh wait - here's a question - sometimes I think that the laws against doctor-patient affairs are more to protect the doctor than the patient. I mean, that's who is really in danger. That's who can be convinced this is real by a patient who doesn't understand and therefore thinks the feelings are based in current reality, not transference. Ie can't the doctor be vulnerable to a crazy person? Or does that make the doctor a crazy person by definition?
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Thank you for sharing your experience Hankster - sounds like you are doing some good work! I agree that the younger we were when the trauma occured the more difficult it can be to get to and understand what is happening - because it is going to be all preverbal and unconscious.
I understand what you are saying about the danger to the therapist but I believe the laws against therapists having sex with their clients are there for the client. The client is the vulnerable one - as in the parent/child dynamic. Having sex with a client is incestuous - it is about succumbing to the projections of the client rather than being aware of them, not acting them out, and using what is felt to help the client. Yes, as therapists our minds are susceptible to the projections - but we are responsible for getting good support ourselves, and for learning about this, so we remain safe. There are no excuses in my opinion - we have to know and recognise our limits and, when there is a danger of something falling into a dangerous acting out, to get the help to understand it without causing harm. It is the clients job to project - that is what is meant to happen - it is the job of the therapist to receive it, feel it and let the information his or her body/mind is giving to understand what needs to be understood for the patient.
For example , there may be a time when I feel that I can't help - that it is hopeless and pointless to carry on the work. I don't act on those feelings but sit with them. I realise that I have received something hopeless from my client. If I don't understand this then I might suggest the work is done and abandon, but instead I gently reflect that perhaps something feels impossible, that he/she is struggling with feeling alone and hopeless right now. Although there has been no other indication of how the client feels, it has been otherwise hidden, the client suddenly begins to cry and is able to tell me of the hopelsss feelings she/he has been experiencing lately. She was able to uncosciously put these feelings into me (the projection) and I picked them up. Rather than identify with them (believe they belong to me) I realised they were hers and used them to empathise with what was happening. If I had identified with them (projective identification) and believed it was hopelsss and I couldn't help I might have abandoned and re traumatised. It it this process that a good enough mother will do over and over again with her baby - receiving the unbearable feelings and giving them back in a way that the baby can manage.
So, it is the job of the therapist to keep the client safe - we choose to do the job, must know our minds are in danger, and must look after ourselves. It isn't the client's job to look after us. Unfortunately it happens often that therapists burn out or become vicariously traumatised and turn on the client - but it is never the client's fault.
Moon
