Hello H3rmit: Thanks for your post! This is the crux of allot of my difficulties. I think I look pretty much like just another older guy... not especially masculine, but not really feminine either. (My previous therapist once observed that I don't have the most masculine walk... this had never occurred to me before & no one else has ever said anything about it.)

But, as far as I know most people just take me for a more-or-less normal older man. I haven't been employed for about a dozen or so years & I've now aged into retirement. But I am, at present, the president of out townhome association. This position doesn't require allot of expertise since we have a property management company. But still, I do need to maintain a certain appearance of competence. So I do. But, inside, as I've written previously, I feel like I'm just this roiling mass of psychosis. I spend almost every day wondering if this is going to be the day when I just finally lose it completely. Sometimes I wish I would just so I don't have to keep up the pretense anymore. I often think that if people knew what was going on inside my head, they would realize how truly warped I really am. I have recently begun to disclose just a bit of it. But it's really just the tip of the iceberg. There's allot more that I haven't disclosed & never will. It would just be too embarrassing. I'd be mortified!

Yes, the movie "The Fly" is a film I wish I could forget! But it is burned into my consciousness (LOL!) The only good thing to come out of it for me was that one scene I described which is useful for describing some of what I experience.