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Apr 19, 2013, 05:54 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2013
Location: Pittsburgh,PA
Posts: 67
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Ok, I have always had self esteem issues since I was 5 years old. My paternal grandfather would always insult since I was 5, saying things like, "Your fat." "Your ugly." "Your worthless." and so many other things. He is a very cruel man, and he would always embarrass me in front of people, cause he hated my guts for no reason.
My moms family is just as bad. We all grew up like brothers and sisters, cause my Aunt was an alcoholic. My other Aunt died of a Heroin Overdose, so that resorted for my mom and my grandmother to help raise the kids. As I got older all I heard from my cousins, and Aunt is "Your Stupid." "Your worthless." "You are a hateful person" And so many more insults, but I am not going to get into that. Also I find it funny that I am a hateful person when I try my hardest to be kind, and I treat everyone with respect, and I put my life on hold, just for them when they needed help, but yet, I am a hateful person?
Ok, onto the Self Esteem Issues. I literally think of myself as a pathetic human being. I hate myself so much that I feel like I should die. I can't fathom how much I think I am ugly,fat, and grotesque. I literally can't take compliments either. Everytime someone says I am pretty or I am smart, I literally think they are full of ****. I am seeing a therapist, and he said, "Everytime I compliment you, you think I am full of it." I said, "I am like that with everyone!" Which I am.
My therapist, says that there is a emotional wall that is built up, but he says it's a mystery. He said he can't figure me out. I said, "Well I have Self Esteem Issues." He said "It's deeper then that, there is something mysterious, that I can't quite figure out." What is that suppose to mean? I don't know where he is getting at with this?
Anyways I disregard every compliment that someone gives me, and I think there is always a motive. I think well they are drunk, or it's complete ********. I literally don't think of a compliment, as someone paying me a compliment.
What should I do? Is it deeper then self esteem issues? Should I get a new therapist? Also what does my therapist mean by "mysterious"? Please tell your thoughts on this. I greatly appreciate it! Thank you for reading!
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