Well, I've gone and ****ed it up forever :/

My old friend and me spoke two days ago. We had a nice chat, and I told her I was moving on nicely, but it has been hard. Later that night I posted on my blog this little thing:

"I think I still take some sort of pleasure in realising that she’s doing less well than me."

I was knackered. Completely so from a long day and a difficult but nice conversation, which I was sure showed us on the up. I didn't mean what I said, I more meant that I've been struggling with not feeling jealous of her skills, and happy when I have skills of my own that she doesn't have. Which isn't right, and, if I'm being honest with myself, I've always thought was wrong.

For whatever reason I couldn't admit this to her though. It didn't enter my head. My thoughts were confused when I was speaking to her, and I genuinely thought I had nothing left to say. It was only once the smoke had cleared that I realised I had some more baggage I wasn't ready to share with her. None of these are excuses for the fact that it seems as I've betrayed her and backstabbed her, and for that I'm sorry.

She won't listen though. She outright told me she never wants to speak to me again, and that she's upset because she really wanted to become close again, but "congrats, you ****ed it up" by backstabbing her on my diary (which I gave her access to months ago...perhaps a mistake, darn it), because in her eyes it seems as if I'm degrading her improvements recently. She also picked up on the fact I've been drunk by myself after we split. I never claimed to be proud of that, but this is the reason why I've tried to keep my diary semi-private: it's full of things that I do, not which I'm necessarily proud of. Since that time I was drinking heavily (for me), which was several weeks if not a whole month ago, I've come on leaps and bounds and stopped that behaviour, because I've had time to realise it was wrong.

In fact I didn't tell her about feeling jealous/prideful for the same reasons I didn't tell her about my drinking: it just didn't feel right in the conversation then. For what its worth now, I did plan to tell her at a future date.

I'm sorry for my mistake, and I feel angry at myself, but also at her for being pigheaded and not asking me what I meant and for cutting me off when I was trying to explain on facebook (though perhaps I should have taken a hint: she said she wasn't interested in hearing and didn't care).

I blame myself for not being able to bring up this baggage then. I blame myself because she WANTED to be close buddies again, and so did I!

It's horrible, because she really was great with me. I believe that sometimes you just meet people who are right for you. Not perfect, but great, and you don't meet many of them. I'll still love my friend to the day I die, but to her I'll now always be "that **** who blew things up, congratulations".