I am sorry that you had to endure such a painful and rather difficult childhood.

I can relate to much of what you said, as I've hated myself for as long as I can remember as well. My family life, immediate and extended, was chaotic and painful too. A couple of my family members loved me in acceptable ways ~ others didn't, and those negatives stand out strongly to me. The emotional, physical, and sexual abuse coming from several different people within my family ~ an abusive theme played throughout.

I *think* that since the abuse began so young and occurred throughout my early childhood, I quickly carried that torch and hated myself as well. (Meaning: I blamed myself for all of the abuse; thinking that I was evil, ugly, stupid, worthless, and so forth.) My poor self-esteem and continually rocky childhood didn't help at school either, which made my life more painful & miserable.

It makes perfect sense to me that you hold horrible feelings towards yourself. Not trying to say that I agree ~ simply, I understand how you feel. I'm sorry that you feel this way towards yourself. Logic doesn't change emotions. The two are on opposite ends of the spectrum!

I've been in therapy for many, many years and only my current T is willing to accept how I feel towards myself. Other T's couldn't understand my self-hate. They always tried to get me to see that I didn't deserve this self-imposed misery. They could not accept my emotions ~ like it went against humanity or something. But, I really needed a T to simply accept it! He doesn't agree with my descriptions of myself at all (occasionally, he'll point out "good things" about me), but it's okay. And that's really what I need badly. My current T has really been very helpful to me.

I would recommend you seeing a different T, one who has experience and/or understanding of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). My T isn't rooted in DBT, he uses a variety of different philosophies and techniques to help in different circumstances. Personally, I like that he isn't stuck to one mode of treatment. Anyway, I also attend DBT group meetings weekly, to help myself feel and act better.

I hope that my response helps you. Very best wishes & gentle hugs to you ~ take care!