I don't really know what I'm asking for here or why I'm posting this. I haven't been on this website in a really long time, but I just had to find somewhere where I could get some advice, or at least write down what I need to say, because I feel completely alone with this. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I've been prescribed medication. But I don't take it. Every time I get around to deciding I probably should I'm usually in a depressive phase. But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.

I used to love my manic phases, and I didn't see how they caused any harm. But a couple months ago I hooked up with a guy online to have sex. I'd never met him before and I invited him to my house while my mom was gone. He was 23 and I'm only 17. And since then I've had sex 3 other times, also with guys that I met online. I've met them more safely, as in not inviting them to my house right away. But three months ago I'd only have sex once, with someone that I actually really liked. I'm not the kind of person that does this, at all. I know that it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it. But I don't know how to stop. When I'm manic it's like I have absolutely no control over the decisions that I make. I can't think rationally and I do the most idiotic things.

I also haven't been to school in 3 weeks. I should be a senior in high school but I'm a junior due to being behind in credits because of absences. And since I'm still missing so much I'm dangerously close to failing the entire year, and then I'd have yet another year of high school. I'm thinking about dropping out, but who knows if I'm even stable enough to make that decision.

My life is a mess. For a really long time I had dreams about graduating high school and going to college to major in psychology so that I could become a psychologist and help people in similar situations as me. I love helping people, but how pathetic is it that I can't even help myself? I see myself ending up nowhere in life. I used to have goals and aspirations for myself. Now I'm probably going to drop out of high school and have a crappy, boring job for the rest of my life.

I hate being bipolar. I hate it more than anything. I know the easy solution is to take my pills. And eventually I probably will for awhile. But I won't stay on them forever. That's my pattern. I take them for awhile and then decide I don't need them, and then I'm a wreck again. It's happened so many times already. It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it. I just want it to go away, because I really don't know how to deal with this anymore. Nobody in my life understands what I struggle with. This illness or disorder or whatever it is is ruining my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so ashamed of myself, not really for having the illness but for the decisions I've made and the things that I've done because of it. I feel like I'm such a freak. I just really hope someone understands.