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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
I don't really know what I'm asking for here or why I'm posting this. I haven't been on this website in a really long time, but I just had to find somewhere where I could get some advice, or at least write down what I need to say, because I feel completely alone with this.
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Have you tried support groups? For bipolar people, or, perhaps, for teens with mental health issues in general?
You would not be so alone.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I've been prescribed medication. But I don't take it. Every time I get around to deciding I probably should I'm usually in a depressive phase. But after I take the meds a couple times or before I even get around to doing that, I'm in a manic phase, and I feel like I don't need the pills.
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You cannot determine if the medications help you if you only take the meds a couple times. It is impossible. You will never learn whether they help you.
You need to open an account on Optimism Online and track the moods and how you take the medications, and hopefully you will be able to see some patterns.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
But a couple months ago I hooked up with a guy online to have sex. I'd never met him before and I invited him to my house while my mom was gone. He was 23 and I'm only 17. And since then I've had sex 3 other times, also with guys that I met online. I've met them more safely, as in not inviting them to my house right away. But three months ago I'd only have sex once, with someone that I actually really liked. I'm not the kind of person that does this, at all. I know that it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it. But I don't know how to stop. When I'm manic it's like I have absolutely no control over the decisions that I make. I can't think rationally and I do the most idiotic things.
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Well... you first had sex with a guy inviting him, a perfect stranger, to your house. Then, you started meeting people more safely. So I would not say that you totally "cannot think rationally" and totally "have no control over the decisions that you make" - somehow you were able to graduate from meeting strangers in your house to doing things more safely. So you should give yourself some credit for this and build on this positive experience.
Also, why cannot you go back to having sex with the person whom you actually really liked? That would be rational - more rational than meeting yet more random people. If you liked him, great, unless he objects.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
I'm thinking about dropping out, but who knows if I'm even stable enough to make that decision.
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You should not be making this decision alone. You are right suspecting that you might not be stable enough for making such a decision, but even for a stable teenager, it is too big of decision to make alone. Is there a school counselor who knows of your bipolar?
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
I hate being bipolar. I hate it more than anything. I know the easy solution is to take my pills. And eventually I probably will for awhile. But I won't stay on them forever. That's my pattern. I take them for awhile and then decide I don't need them, and then I'm a wreck again. It's happened so many times already. It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it.
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No, you are not powerless. You need to start taking pills and put a reminder in your calendar - say, a quarter from today - and until you get the email reminder from the calendar, just take the pills and DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE DECISIONS. Just take them and in a quarter, assess whether they are helping you at all. Do report side effects to the prescribing doctor and stop or reduce the dosage if you must, but do not stop just because you have changed your mind. You say that you you cannot think rationally - so, start thinking rationally. Rationally, you cannot determine if the medications help you unless you have taken them for a while, observing yourself. If you keep stopping and restarting at whim, you will never learn if they help you. People also sometimes need to go from one medication to another until they find the right fit.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
This illness or disorder or whatever it is is ruining my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.
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People who have exhausted their options say that they do not know what to do anymore. You have not even tried doing anything for yourself.
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Originally Posted by Yesterdays
I'm so ashamed of myself, not really for having the illness but for the decisions I've made and the things that I've done because of it.
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There is no point in being ashamed, although it is hard to will yourself into not feeling ashamed. But there is no point.
There is a point in trying the medications for a sufficient length of time, going to support groups, practicing safer sex (I do not just mean condoms, technically, but also not meeting new people in unsafe settings, and, again, if you could go back to having sex with the person whom you really liked, that would be best), making sure you have the support for the school counselor as you go through the decision making process with respect to potentially dropping out of HS, etc. There is a point in doing those things.