I feel awful for you, you don't need to do this to yourself. I hated myself as a teenager, but time flies, i'm 52 now, have been through it all, and came out ok on the other side, I believe myself. Had many days of self hatred, until I got meds to help me cope. I even tried suicide as a teenager too, that luckily didn't work, as now I am at a happy part of my life I would have not known if I had killed myself. Things can get better, but you need to start to believe in yourself, with some help of others. Let a friend or family know how you feel, they may empathise, and be able to help you too. I hope and pray you will get the help you need.