Hey everyone, this is my first post.
It will be hard to describe this all in detail, as well as giving it the balanced and un-biased description it needs. I've always suffered from low self-esteem, shyness and the effects of aspergers.

I've recently ended, or had to end, a 5 year friendship with my "best" friend. It's been hard, especially because I know what has strained our relationship has been my behaviour and the things I've done in the past to her (nothing vast in the grand scheme of things, but I have broken her trust). With continued arguments and disagreements and frustration on both sides she decided she didn't want to speak to me. I've relied upon her for a LONG time for satisfaction and happiness, being unable to make my own or connect to other "friends" (I don't even know what "makes" a friend, best friend, close friend, etc) for years. I did/do appreciate her friendship and her, but I've also come to rely on her and get a feeling of power from her. Even her friends don't want to speak to me now (to the extent that their blogs online that I follow are now "off-limits")

I don't mind all this. I've agreed to a lot of things though it sure was hard trying to "wean" myself off from ANY contact with her. I appreciate this period may last for months/years as she said. It doesn't depress me quite as much as it did this time a month ago when we discussed this, but it still does leave a regret. It's hard for me to accept that it was MY fault in a way and that I was being toxic here.

It's hard to cope with feeling jealous when I see her and her friends having fun (I realise this emotion isn't great, since I do honestly wish her well) and also hard to cope when I know she's down and I can't help her like I used to. Still, I appreciate her need for space. Having low self esteem it's hard to hear what people dislike about you and still think that you're good--though I'm working on that. It's especially frustrating since I felt that for the first time in my life I had a connection with someone, and now because of my actions (unintended and non-malicious) I've gone back to how I was when I was 12: completely alone. Especially when I still greatly admire this girl, I wish her well, and I'm interested in many of the same things she is. It's hard to describe the nature of our connection but it was me and her speaking every night for 5-8 hours for 5 years.

I can't replace something like that overnight, and I have little idea about how to go and find friends outside her. I'm pushing ahead with that though. More than anything I struggle with the feeling of feeling worthless because someone has let me go because I've been toxic--it makes me feel toxic too, and like I'll hurt whoever comes close to me. It's also been hard because I'm in a Uni a LONG way away from my parental home and for the first time in my life (I'm a Masters student) I need to keep myself going and fend for myself--and now I'm realising it was wrong to do this course this year, though it is fun now I'm doing it. I also relied such much upon this friend this year that I didn't make any other friends, and now it's almost May and since I'm only in this Uni until September other people have already found their friends.

My friend said that she would like to speak to me again sometime and her friends have hinted at the same (since something kept us going), hence why she calls this break a break in her own words, and I appreciate our friendship won't be the same again (though that doesn't mean it needs to be worse), but I'd like to hope that I won't be kept at an arm's length.