Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
Yes, this sounds like a 'rupture' in that there was lack of attunement, understanding.
But the wonderful thing, is how she responded after reading your e-mail. She seem to truly get it, 'get' you and she's owned her part in all of this.
She called me and asked me to come in today so she could talk to me. I went and I don't remember much, but she essentially apologized for not hearing me when I pretty much was saying in my own words that she was pushing to hard. she apologized for not hearing me and for not meeting me where I was. She said that she figured bc I've made so much surface level progress (going back to school, cutting back on my drinking, etc) that she thought I was ready to tackle the issue with my mother (by inviting her to a T appointment!). She said after she read my email she realized that I wasn't ready to deal with an emotionally charged issue just yet.
The above sounds great to me and I'm happy for you. It may take time to re-establish trust, but this would be understandable.
To me her reaction about the meds sounds rather impulsive. Have you talked to her about it? I suspect she would acknowledge that this was about your reaction to her, but maybe she was concerned about the nature of that reaction. Which doesn't, of course, mean that you have to agree with her about meds. She, so far, sounds reasonable enough, so I think it would be really useful to talk about it.
Lastly, I was really struck by this:
she pretty much confirmed for me that no one would understand me
Did she say this, or did you feel it was implied in some way?
'Repair' can be relatively quick or more prolonged, but it sounds like you're on a good track. Hugs and good luck!
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Ultramar---I've been on meds before for depression. This was when I was buried in darkness. I don't feel like I need medication now. I am not actively suicidal--though I think about wanting to die all the time. I have never acted on those thoughts, but came close 5 years ago BEFORE I started therapy. That close call was why I started T in the first place. I am no where near that now. I am going to work and doing well at work, I work out 6-7 days a week, I try to eat healthily most days or all days, I am in school and doing well (4.0 GPA).
IDK WHY she would suggest meds because ONE day (out of 3 years) she sees a side of me she's never seen. I think that was built up over weeks and weeks of her not hearing me/pushing me when I kept trying to hit the breaks and have her listen to me. 99% of the time I try to keep it buried because it freaks me out when I get angry at someone directly--I also have a little road rage, but that's it. I have no idea what the meds would do. And I'm annoyed that she even suggested it. Of course I didn't say anything, though I'm sure my facial expression said it ALL.
Also, I am the one who thinks no one could ever understand me (I've believed that for most of my life). T never said that-- ever. She said after reading that part of the email she got the sense that I was feeling a bit hopeless about things.
Obviously the deeper emotional issues (and communicating my feelings) are something we haven't exactly worked on yet in 3 years.
I think that after 3 years we are still building trust. Or, at least I am/was still trying to trust her. After this I am afraid that there will come another time that again she won't hear me/understand me and we'll have another breakdown in communication.
Ugh. I wish I had realized this for what it was before I decided to quit. Or maybe quitting was the only way T could see that she was pushing me too much since my poor articulation of it didn't seem to work. I am wondering if I should try to see if this can be repaired.
I didn't mean for this response to get so long! Sorry!