And trust me when I say I don't like seeing that i just typed those words, but it's exactly how I feel. I've started feeling suicidal again, its hard not to think about it.....the other night It was hard getting to sleep because I couldn't stop visualizing ways to end it. I might be calmly talking to someone while thinking about it.

I don't want to act on any of that at this point, but it wont get out of my head. I keep thinking I just want to harm myself some other way than suicide. Hell I can't even cut myself non-lethally with a razor without chickening out. The smoking a cigarrette while mentally reminding myself about how unhealthy they are just isn't cutting it.

I mean I don't know if its just too much stress and I need to try and alleviate some of it some how....or if I'm going to end up having to go to the psych ward. For today I am just going to try and not be dragged down too much by how I feel, like I've been doing every day but not sure how much longer I can do it.

I mean basically there is always ongoing drama/tension at home, I've been denied for SSI. Not sure how to deal with the stress of the appeal process not to mention I don't get more medical evidence till june, I am supposed to send in the appeal request in 60 days and so not even sure when I'd be able to submit whatever comes of the neuropsych report by then the appeal might be close to over with. Since the stress is all too much then I also worry about how I am supposed to go about appealing and making it to appointments if I'm in a psych ward because of the damn stress making my symptoms unbearable?

Running out of ideas of what to do, and with how I am feeling I don't even expect anyone to read this let alone respond in any way...the world is trying to tell me 'no one but you can help you.' with a big smile on its face when I was never given the damn tools/skills to do that.

Sorry for the ranting and raving but I am just getting really fed up with life.