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Originally Posted by winter4me
I wonder if going for disability is the right path for you. You are young, I worry that that will give you more reason to feel less than capable of meeting the challenges of life---I am not at all against people getting SSI, and I know there were times in my life when that was a reasonable choice; at 60 I am glad I did not do that but find myself in a slump right now (feeling overwhelmed, pathetic, (yuck!) and lucky to have kids who are grown, well (even with me as a mom!) and can kick my psychic butt in a kind and helpful way---Work is what held me together all the years (dx: ptsd, major depression recurrent, panic disorder, and I get hypomanic also) the losses and uncertainty. I have never had stellar attendance, change jobs when I am stressed, thought I would be dead before I finished school (just wanting the pain to stop)---and did not go to school for a profession till I was 28. Achieved my BSN at 30 something, continue to struggle but am good at my job because it is the one place (until I can't deal with the politics) my focus is off of me and onto a problem, something to research, to understand, and to respond to---you sound intelligent, and with interests that would lend itself to many paths. When you talk of tension at home, I wonder if you are young and married with kids or living with parents. If the latter, you may really want to find a way to move out (I know how much this did for me and for my brother--who was reluctant and fearful--you don't really feel the tension till you have removed yourself from it.
I have come to think of passive SI and imagining as a kind of relief valve and self-soothing activity; reminding us we have ultimate control if necessary. But then, we all die and may as well find out the best and the worst. (easy to say)---
When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I had what I now recognize as a mild but very real psychotic break. I do not think I would have made it had I returned home. The diagnoses, the meds, the information, was limited and non-existent at that time (I was a student of psychology and scoured all medical and psych literature)---so I made it into my thirties without meds. Now, I wonder how. Physically, I have been healthy and that helps. Best to you whatever you decide is right for you! and a big hug
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I live at home at my moms, and I would like to move out which is part of why I am trying to get financial help from SSI and maybe some state help now that I've heard of that. I really would love to just go work and make my own way but I can hardly make it through the days in general...and even getting a job with my anxiety is a problem since I cannot help coming off as very insecure and anxious when I go and apply for jobs.
I failed out of college twice and doubt I can be approved for loans again since I couldn't pay it back. The PTSD really f**** my chances of a college education or doing anything with it more than the depression and anxiety would have. One of the main causes of the PTSD was a lockdown in my highschool in which a student was killed so being in a classroom or school(even college) campus puts me on edge especially if there is noise in the hallway during class. As for reading I used to be great at it, since the PTSD its very difficult to get through any reading, I miss half of what I read so I have to read it again or I just can't focus for the life of me...makes college even more strenuous when you can't read the material and somehow still make ok grades...but realistically there is no getting through college if you can't actually read the material. I already tried putting my all into life to get somewhere and move on with life and its brought me where I am now.
Also I am about as un-capable of meeting life challenges as it gets, I can't even handle normal amounts of stress without feeling like I am going to lose my mind...I mean its taken a while for me to acknowledge this, before I was just trying to force the capabilities I did not have which in effect was burning me out.
All of that said not sure SSI would have to be a lifelong thing(that is if I even get it)....but in order to have any change of improving my life I need help. I mean I can't even look to new treatments or be open to meds because I don't have the money to pay for treatments and/or meds. But yeah if I was to go job hunting today I'd probably have a mental breakdown just from the stress and worrying what the employers/employees are thinking of me and how its probably obvious to them I've got mental problems. I mean yeah they aren't supposed to discriminate but regardless of that coming off as someone with mental problems is not appealing to an employer looking for a high energy, friendly, capable employee.