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I relate very much to feeling alone with this and the regret of past actions when manic. But the shame you mention can be a destructive emotion, I hope you can try to turn that shame into regret --as in, I wish I hadn't done that, but it doesn't reflect on me as a whole person, doesn't make me a 'bad' person.
It's an endless cycle and that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I'm powerless against it.
Although it's understandably very difficult, you are not powerless over this. You know you need to take the medications, it sounds like you know they will help you get out of these awful cycles.
Please think of ways to help yourself take them on a daily basis. Maybe a trusted friend can remind you (if you've shared your diagnosis with someone and you would feel comfortable with this).
I don't have a problem with not wanting to take them, per se, but I do forget sometimes. I have a daily reminder in my Outlook, I put my morning pills out by my coffee maker, and I have another Outlook reminder to put my night pills out where I hang out at night so I'll see them and remember to take them. I don't know if these sorts of things will help you.
Maybe you can make a list of pros and cons (when not manic) of taking the meds and in doing so will realize that the pros far outweigh the cons in your case.
I wish you the best!
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