Hi,
I am new here and I wanted to talk about something that bothers me still and that I feel is troubling.
Here is a brief description of my childhood and of events and instances that I find dysfunctional and not quite right.
I am an only child and from what I gather my parents care for me. My mum has chronic depression ( MDD) and she used to fluctuate in and out of her episodes as far as I can remember in my childhood. She would sink into depression and sleep a lot or fly into wild rage when my dad provoked her or when she felt that people were provoking her. She was always on medication and her rages were horrible and involved self-harm ( banging her fist on herself or breaking furniture, doors, cupboards or banging herself against things)..She couldn`t contain her anger. I think that they broke up for 6 months when I was about 2 years old but then came back together. I remember that they fought a lot, a lot of screaming on both sides.She would always take the victim`s role.. She would often threaten to kill herself and would try to climb out of the window or grab a knife or try to overdose on her antidepressants but my dad always prevented her by holding her down while she cried and screamed. I remember sleeping with them( in the middle of them) until I was nine as I think that I was afraid to sleep alone, I don`t know why though. I think that they should have insisted that I sleep in my own room but they didn`t. I remember waking up to 'love-making' sounds when I was about 3 but I pretended to be alseep beside them , but I was a child and that`s very disturbing. Even though I told them about hearing things in the morning, they didn`t really do anything about it. I remember an incident of being in the shower with my dad after swimming at the beach when I was about 3....and I still find that disturbing to be in the shower naked with your child, I don`t remember how I felt about that..I think it was the time when they separated and my dad took me away to his family`s place. Perhaps I am exaggerating .I remember having to take care of my mother and consoling her a lot when things went wrong, it`s still like that. I remember as a 3 year old playing with my doll in a sexual way, pretending to make love to her. I also remember having sexual thoughts about people as a child or as reflected when I played alone with my dolls. But i never revealed any of it to anyone because I felt that it`s extremely shameful . I don`t think that`s okay....
But when my mum was fine, we functioned as a family, in that we went out and were quite normal but they would still fight a lot as my mum is very dependent and child-like and has to get her way... It was a disturbing childhood, I am sorry to say. I got all the material things I needed though but emotionally I felt betrayed and fearful and lost. No one ever asked me how it made me feel to see my parents fight or my mum blaming my dad, saying vicious things and at times blaming me for things when she was 'sick'. Then she would forget it all as she often said and return to her 'normal' self but I never forget even though i can repress it. I also remember that we had a very strange barriers in that my dad would find it normal that he could walk around nude in front of me as a child ( until about 10). It looks like he enjoys exhibiting himself..I felt disgusted but I never said anything...

As an adult I find it extremely difficult to form relationships, I feel a deep sadness inside, I feel that I can`t trust anyone. I feel anxious a lot.I feel quite empty and often abandoned and rejected but I brush it away and get on with life. I wanted to know if my childhood was abusive? I feel that it was partly abusive but I don`t trust myself and I have no idea what to do to get over this.

My relationship with my parents is fine but we don`t communicate much at home about essential things... But I feel that now that I am away from home, I don`t miss them and I feel a sense of freedom from all of it and all the heaviness that was there.
I feel hurt mostly because I feel that my parents have dismissed me in many ways. Even though it`s not aggravating abuse, it has left me somewhat feeling broken especially when it comes to relating to others, I am always very fearful of being rejected and I find it very hard to trust people.I feel a lot of emotional pain that I find hard to speak about . But it has always been there, it`s part of me. As a child I felt helpless many times and as an adult I realize that caregivers should consider their child`s feelings and how the way they behave affects the child mostly. But no one has really asked me at home despite the fact that I suffered and I still find it very hard to open up.
I feel very depressed most of the time but I manage to conceal it.
Any form of advice about how to cope will be most appreciated.
I just want some support. Thanks