I haven't been around here much lately. I try to read your posts & think of a response, but end up going blank. The session with my psychologist on Thurs was a whole hour of tears. I couldn't say much because I couldn't figure out my feelings let alone put words to them. It was strange sitting there is silence with tears streaming down my face....not being able to say a word.

I thought the sale of my Mothers home would be a huge relief. The sale turned out better than I ever imagined. The actual purchase price was way more than what the other real estate agent offered for it "as is' . The offer I was so tempted to take just to get rid of the house. Luckily my lawyer referred me to the real estate agent I went with because my lawyer thought that the other offer wasn't a fair price. It was good to have someone else point me in the right direction & to have a great real estate agent take over & make all the decisions needed to sell the house.

The fact that the whole process of the sale of my Mothers home was being filmed for a TV show that is to be on the TV in about 6 months didn't help. Trying to keep some of the horrible emotions I was going through away from being filmed was very tough & answering their questions about how I was feeling made it impossible not to say somethings.

I never thought I would end up at this point where I can barely leave my home let alone my bed. I have to force myself to do the things that I have to do (things I have no other choice than to do). I know from past experiences & from what I am going through now, that everytime I force myself to do something, I end up taking huge steps backwards.

I am finding myself in many situations where I can't function. When I received the escrow papers, & tried to read through them & answer the questions, I completely froze & went into melt down. The anxiety attacks are so bad, I end up dealing with horrible chest pains that I know were only anxiety, but fells like I am having a heart attack.

I am definitely blessed because my real estate agent had me pack up the escrow papers & bring them to him. He helped me fill out everything. I felt so stupid because never before in my life have I not been able to fill our information like that, but realized as we went through it was different because the house sale was under the trust. Something I wouldn't know anything about.

I have so many thoughts & feelings swirling around inside of me that I can't put anything into specific thoughts or words. I feel like I am back inside the tornado I was in 2 years ago & I am watching everything going on around me like watching a movie that I am not a part of.

Moving out the last things I want to take from the house has become harder & harder. I know I have to go back to the house but staying home under my nice warm blankets & sleeping away the anxiety with the help of my med is what I choose. Unfortunately, I have done that until I have no more time left.

My psychologist pointed out that I need some time in the house, before escrow closes on Monday, to say my goodbyes. This is the house that my parents bought before I was born. This is the house I lived in all my unmarried life (until I was 22). This is the house that my daughter did alot of growing up in because my parents cared for her while we had our careers going. This is the house that my Father died in. This is the house where I spent some time with my Mother while I was in outpatient treatment when depression hit. Sadly, this is the house where my mother spent the last bit of time in because she so desparately wanted to be in her own home. That was what enabled the person who frauded her way into being the care taker & doing all the horrible things that she did with the ID theft, having the police called to the house to accuse me of abusing my Mother, stealing all the valuables & finally OD'ing my Mother with morphine.

There are so many memories wrapped up in the house but the hardest part is that the bad memories of the final trauma & what my Mother was physically going through at the end seem to be overshadowing everything else. Things that I would never think of as triggers are constantly causing flashbacks & floods of tears. I know I need to take some time after everything is done to just sit there & let my tears out. Keeping busy & keeping my feelings away isn't a good thing, even if that is what I usually do. Crying isn't something I do easily. Holding back my tears is what I am used to doing until I no longer have any control & then I just explode. I can feel the explosion building up as Monday/Tuesday comes closer. This is the time when I really wish I had the support of family, someone to share all these feelings with.

From what my psychologist said, this is another step in dealing with the grief & loss of my Mother which is something I still haven't been able to deal with because of trying to deal with everything else that happened & the anger that has been haunting me.

Debbie