Moose, I Know you say "I am mess even on meds...", but maybe meds are part of the problem. From what I understand, they usually block something or help production of something... (I don't care for names of the happy and crazy hormons). But body reacts either by producing more and more (if you take a "blocker") or produce less (if the med is to increase the levels).

I don't know... maybe try to reduce the meds a bit, try to sort your life as much as you can, eat better (or simply watch what foods make you feel bad and avoid them), find some project to focus on... maybe start a non-bipolar blog about arts or something to take your mind of the crap (I didn't realize how listening to music was helping until I stopped for some time. Putting on psytrance and dancing like a fool helps a lot... beats kill thoughts). Try the alternative treatments. Get a customized mixture of Bach Essences (I find these very helpful).

Just something. Read around alternative MH blogs, or just "look for good omens". How long you went by the medical model? ANd what makes you feel think it will start working any time soon for you? You need something else, or something more.