I was dx'd first at 18. I DIDN'T BELIEVE THEM forever. now I think they might be right. at that time the only thing that worked for me was ECT treatment. All the meds in the world didn't do a damn thing....but I was also deaing with childhood BS and "borderline tendencies". Now that I've worked through my trauma issues I seem to be left with a mood disorder that has gotten increasingly less manageable.

I have a pdoc initial eval on thursday. i have no idea what I'm going to do since last time no meds worked. all I know for sure is geodon, seroquel, risperdal, and lithium all gave me unbearable side effects so there's no way i'll even consider them.

maybe look in to alternative treatments as well if meds alone aren't cutting it for you. I've heard that diet changes cutting out sugar and refined grains can help. I haven't tried since it's too much to think about as all the other thoughts are going through my head.

i can relate to the violent thoughts. I try to push mine down and they come out in the forms of dreams where i attack people for slight provocations since that's what i want to do in real life. I don't want to kill people per se just hurt them so they're out of my freaking face. I also have visions of destroying property - flipping over desks, throwing things, ripping books out of the bookshelf, etc.

Hope you find the combo that works for you! I hear it can take a long time. I hope it won't be too long for you!