I feel guilty, so I want to hurt myself or off myself because I don't know how to rectify the situation in any meaningful way... If I do either of those, I ruin the relationship that has kept me going... if I keep spending the way I am, I ruin the relationship that has kept me going... I feel like I can't win. I really want to hurt myself right now, but I am hoping that typing away here will help take some of the anxiety away, which would lessen the urges... but suddenly I lost whatever it was that I wanted or needed to say... the urges remain, and I feel totally hopeless...