This sucks. It really...effing...sucks. I have been pretty much anxiety/panic attack free since the birth of my child (almost a year ago), something triggered a panic attack last week and I've been dealing with anxiety (almost on the verge of panic attacks) ever since. I just dissolved 1.5mg's of ativan under my tongue. Ativan (or benzo's in general) is something I swore I would stay away from. I took it for a long time, and while I never had a problem with them, I don't like the feeling of depending on something to make me feel "alright". I gave in last week, called my Dr. and asked her for some. I have to be able to be alert and function since I have an infant, I can't let anxiety stop me from living my life.

I'm just so incredibly discouraged. I really thought I was done with anxiety for good this time...this last year has been the longest I've ever gone (straight) without having an anxiety attack, and here it is again. I know what triggered the first attack, that issue is resolved...so why am I still dealing with this free floating anxiety? like tonight for instance, I'm sitting here on the computer, very calm , just chilling...and bang, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I try not to react physically - if you saw me, you would probably have no idea, but on the inside I'm almost freaking out, for seemingly no reason.

I really fear that this will never end. I fear that I'll have to live my entire life battling this. And the worst part about it? It feels as though I'm doing it to myself, yet for some reason I can't seem to get a grip.