I think that when I don't cut for a while I start getting more outwardly violent. It happened when I stopped for a month this summer, and it's happening now that I haven't cut in just under 4 months. I feel extremely irritable and violent. I'm always on edge. I want to throw and kick and punch and hit everyone, and whenever I do or say anything that seems aggressive everyone gets upset with me, I'm overwhelmed with self hatred, and I want to cut. I've been thinking about it all week. Whenever I get upset my parents leave me alone for hours, so I have the perfect amount of time and privacy. I've been arguing with myself - if you do it, you'll feel so much better. You always feel better. This is what you need. You can't hurt them, just hurt yourself. You'll never hurt anyone more than you can hurt yourself. I hate myself. I want to die, I have a lot going for me right now, I don't know why I want so badly to give that all away. I'm laying in my bathroom trying to fight the urge to cut. I lost the blades I had so I'd need to cut with something else. I feel like my mind has been cloudy and it won't be clear again until I cut, and I need to cut deep to make up for all of the time I've missed. I don't really want new scars, but I. Would probably just cut over my old ones. I miss it so much and I know it's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I feel like I have to do it. It's only been building, my desire, and today has been the worst. I try to snap out of it but I know I'm not going to. I've been trying but I can't shake this. I don't know what else I could possibly do and I can't rest or be productive until I shake this feeling.