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Usually, however, it's more of a dull numbness that takes the anxiety or pain away. I just want to get over this and come up with a more "normal" way of coping.
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I don't think I dissociate, but I think I relate to the feeling numb. Weekends are typically very bad for me, for instance, but lately when my thoughts get to the point where I think I can't take it for the whole weekend, I'm able to just shut it off. There's still a heaviness there, knowing deep down that my life is s***, but somehow I turn the feelings off. It does feel like self-preservation.
Anyway, what would be a "normal" way of coping? I know I can't let myself feel the feelings, or I'd have to kill myself.