chipperdear, it definitely sounds like you've got some depression going on. Likely some anxiety, especially of the social variety, and trust and self esteem/worth issues. Regardless of who would classify that into 'mental illness', it does sound to me like you would benefit from some therapy. I think it might do you some good to have someone to bounce things off of, to get all of those years of torment and misery out of you, get help processing it, so you can begin the healing journey and start to put your life together the way you want it. Yes, it is possible; I am living proof of that. My life was hell too. And now it's not anymore. I have people in my life who love me for who I am. Doesn't mean I have an easy time trusting them or letting them in; but it's easier than I used to be. And I'm getting used to the idea that, just like everyone else, I deserve for people to love me.

Just my two cents.