Thanks for the support.

Perhaps the most infuriating thing to me is that I can understand why she would think I'm backstabbing her, so I can't deny her pain (I'm sorry she feels that way, and of course everyone is entilted to their feelings whatever they may be). It just...wasn't. I'm sorry for causing pain and not having the courage to discuss this, but I don't think I'm making cheesy excuses when I say the slight feelings of jealousy have been those that I have repressed for years (because I've known they're not good), and it took me time to even admit they were there.

I remembered them hours after our conversation when I sat alone thinking about them, and I wanted to work through them with myself and a counsellor and discuss them next time I spoke with her. The feelings just didn't enter my head at all when I was speaking to her. I don't excuse the fact I was hasty on my blog (not to mention completely knackered so I wasn't thinking straight), but I get the idea that if I HADN'T mentioned them away from her face, but kept them inside me until I felt like I could properly deal with them, it would have been a lot better. I know I don't need to justify myself, but holding this viewpoint becomes especially difficult when someone refuses to even see it's possible. I didn't plan to backstab her, and I hope someone else can agree with me here.

I guess it doesn't change much though. It's just frustratingly sad that it has to end like this: when I can explain myself she won't listen, and when understanding is needed she won't give it to me. The door has been slammed, and all the responsibility passed to me. I could be wrong but from what mutual friends have told me, this girl seems in high spirits. She just accepts that I'm a complete asshole.

Maybe I'm still doing things wrong.

This friend and her partner have been a huge part of my life for four years, and I won't be able to forget them. Ever. The sad thing is that I still love them deeply and whatever else I've felt in the past, my main feeling now is that I want the best for them both.

I have hope. I've written her a letter, which I'll post in about a month to her. I hope she reads it.

I love you Rose