Thanks. I know my husband isn't really mad at me, I just feel so guilty. I have never worked so little and was so nonproductive in my life. I haven't been without a job since I was thirteen. I hope if I get it fixed the hospital will have me back. I hope they are not so tired of my crap that they just tell me to f off. Last April right before I was having my first scope and acl redone, I could barely get around and they still had me down for my weekend, and I couldn't get anyone to cover, which really makes me mad because I have covered for everyone. I told my boss I was scared and didn't know if I could do it, and she wasn't able to because she was going out of town. So I did it, and thank God we were slow, I had only a couple patients, and the couple of ER visits we had, the doctor and the nurse's aide mostly took care of on account of they knew how bad I was doing. I had a brace on each knee and wrapped the outside of the brace with duct tape so I wouldn't fall, and wore them under my pants. I went in one of the empty patient rooms and sat most of the time in the recliner. I felt super guilty that I had to push so much onto the aide, but she didn't mind, and knew I would do it for her, and we were slow. But it was only luck...what if there had been someone come in having a heart attack? I just felt bad. After the first operation, I was back until the second one, which was the end of December. I told them I would be back in January or February, but I haven't....my boss texted me in January wanting to see if I could cover and I didn't do it....I couldn't....I hope she isn't mad. My doctor gave me Ultram to be able to take a non-narcotic when working as an RN, but it was completely ineffective, muscle relaxers like Flexeril and SOMA snow me, and Aleve isn't strong enough. She told me I'm enough used to Vicodin it would be okay to take it when I am working, but just to not be telling anyone. I don't like to though, I don't think it makes me loopy, but what if I just can't tell?

I haven't had a day I haven't had to take at least two Vicodin in over a month. For me, a "good" day is where I have been able to work at least five hours at the family business, with three or less pain pills in a 24 hour period. These days are rare.

My husband reassures me a lot, but I still feel like a loser, a mooch, and like he is mad. I feel like he ought to trade me in for a better one. My doctor says the Cymbalta may help both the pain and the depression. I've fought depression, adhd, and anxiety my whole life, but it has become much worse since my dad died and as my knees have gotten worse. The surgeon says they are as bad as they can be, stage four, which I guess is bad. He said there is complete degeneration, no cartilage or cushioning remains. The shots are at best a temporary fix. He doesn't want to replace them when I am so young. He said if it is bad enough though we will. I say it is bad enough. I don't want anymore shots. I want it fixed. I hate this miserable life.

Every day is get up, take pills for inflammation, craziness, and pain...wait for it to work....hobble in to work, do my best til I can't take no more, hobble home, put ice on, and sit, taking more pain pills and waiting til it is time to go to bed. Then, I go to bed, and pray I will die in my sleep, and the next morning, I wake up and the first thought is dread at having to stand up.

Thankfully, it is ONLY my knees, and mostly, the left knee. It could be every joint. He says it is a combination of heredity, sports and activity when I was young, injuries, and many years of hard physical labor. When I work at our store, it involves lifting and standing for hours on concrete.

I try to do crafts for something to do when I am home. I have a giant mess on my side table of paint, brushes, modge podge, stencils, gold leaf, fabric, etc. I enjoy making crafts but mostly I think why am I creating more junk?

I do not understand how anyone who is not in pain can do this. Our kids can. They can watch TV all day. I don't know how. One of my friends who I don't even really talk to anymore is that way. She doesn't have anything wrong with her, but she won't clean, cook, or work. She lays in bed til like noon and then gets up and lays around and watches TV or goes shopping. It is weird. She has done this all of her life. She use to always want me to go and party, and I'm like I can't...I have to get up. She just doesn't do anything. When she got mad at her husband and decided to leave him, she didn't have any money, so she borrowed like $7,000 off me to buy this house, but she wanted me to make her payments, I said....omg....they are $200, just get a job....but she won't...she don't have her kids, and she frantically searched for a guy to move in who could pay her bills....the third one she tried, moved in. He takes care of all the bills and she has sex with him. She doesn't care about him and sleeps around. How can she just not have any sense of purpose? I feel so guilty, and this hasn't been going on very long, for me. I almost can't bear it...and I can't walk. How can a person not get so bored and depressed?

I am going to a counselor, too. I have an appointment tonight at six because I forgot mine the other day. My husband is going to go with me.