I have self harmed since I was twelve (I'm now 30), off and on over the years. I hadn't done anything for two and a half years and back when I met my husband in 2010, I promised him I wouldn't do it again. Initially, he said he'd leave me if I ever did it again. But not long after said he just said that to stop me doing it because he couldn't stand the thought of me hurting myself.
I've explained that its been the only way I know how to manage. When I've done it in the past it's almost like there's another person in my head, telling me to do it and another trying to talk me out of it. Last night, the one who tells me to do it won. I wasn't me as I am now, talking to you. It was like someone else took over. I am aware that my husband and I argued and apparently I got extremely angry, saying some terrible things, I just flipped again. I never remember specifics, just a feeling of rage. I remember a feeling that it was taking over my mind and my body, and now I've ended up doing it again.
I don't know how to tell my husband, I don't know if he'll be angry, upset, leave me, blame himself or what.
I've managed to avoid this but it just took over last night and I just felt compelled to do it. It's stupid because me right now, wouldn't do it at all. Even though I'm stressed and anxious, it's not something I'd do now to cope. It seems to be when this other angry me takes over, it takes over everything. I become evil. I'm so scared how he'll react, I don't even know how to tell him but obviously I have to, I can't hide it forever.