I have a few triggers. One of the big ones for me is failing at something or feeling bad about myself.

A few days ago me and my wife went to see a movie. I got up that morning and I just didn't want to get out of bed. In an effort to not he a miserable person, spreading my endless amount of inner despair I tried my best to put on a happy face and be enjoyable to be around. While watching the moving I just felt immense sadness. A couple times I couldn't help my eyes from waterings. I tried my best not to cry or let her see me. A few times I bite my lip, the pain helps me to manage sometimes.

I kept everything together throughout the movie. Then we went to lunch. I looked at the menu and I just couldn't decide. I said I will have whatever she orders. I had no appitie and honestly I wanted to starve myself, but I try to curb my hatred towards myself as much as I can. During the lunch she asked me what was wrong. I said I was feeling really down. Then she started to cry. She felt helpless and sad.

I felt such anger for myself. That I am so miserable that I can bring her down too. When they brought the food out, it came on a very hot plate. I just wanted to hurt myself for making her cry, for being a miserable sad person. I out my hand against the hot plate and I started to feel releif. Like somehow I deserved to be in pain for making her sad with my bs.

I didn't leave any marks and she didn't notice. That is my most recent urge.