Welcome to PC, first of all. You're in a good place.

I struggle with exactly the same thing. I have amazing people in my life today (that hasn't always been the case) but when it all comes down to it I don't reach out in times of need. I often feel awkward calling people to make plans. And I'm always surprised when ANYONE in my life wants to initiate plans with me. It's a lonely feeling. In my bad times, I feel so isolated and cut off that I just want to either hurt the people I love by cutting them out of my life forever or just run away to another town and leave it all behind, thereby accomplishing the same thing.

Here's what I do to combat it: I tell people what's going on for me. I let them know how lonely I feel. And a lot of my friends (a lot of them struggle with their own issues as well) admit to feeling the same way. It reminds me that I'm not alone. And it's helping me build trust and openness, and let them into my heart just a little bit, so that even though I still have those times where I feel alone, it's not really true, and I can connect to the truth a lot more easily now than I used to.

Good luck on your path, and I hope to see you around the forums.