I'm not quite sure which of these 2 categories this would fall under, but I think I feel more comfortable posting it here...

I have self-harmed my genitals quite badly in the past (leading to multiple hospitalizations). I first did it to get rid of the feeling of being molested, but then it changed to just really liking the feeling and the visual result (trying not to be graphic here, so please bear with me). I did not like the feeling of violation by medical professionals afterwards, but it did equate to feeling "genuinely" cared for (goes along with the specifics of the molestation). It did not feel "good" so much as it felt "right".

Somewhere along the way though, the act itself started to feel good. It became an addiction, and I had a VERY difficult time stopping (I think the only way I was able to stop was by being hospitalized for a good month). It got to the point where doing it with more frequency and severity was the only release. One day I ended up self-harming every 15 minutes or so (the day before I was hospitalized) and nothing made the urge abate...

I know the SI urge is still very linked to stress and anxiety. It is more pronounced when I am in a more negative emotional state, however it also comes around some times purely with the intent of the arousal from it... I have always been very embarrassed and ashamed to talk about this, but I had been forced to with my previous therapist (she did not let me get away without talking about it) and we came up with a way to communicate that had me a little less embarrassed... I have moved since however, and I see a male therapist now. I go through spurts of really NEEDING to talk about some of the specifics to help understand them, but I am WAY too ashamed to be able to talk about it with him... I still don't totally feel comfortable with him, and I know this would be a topic that would send me way off into lala land of triggers... but I know I need to talk about it, and why it still comes up as such a strong and overwhelming urge. It bothers me that I think I am now drawn to it for arousal reasons as well as poor coping... I know that sexual arousal can be a HUGE reinforcer, but I don't like that it was one for this. When I did self-harm there and the addiction became so overwhelming, I put my life in jeopardy many times before I was able to stop... I risk my marriage if I pick it up again, especially if it's not as a coping mechanism. My wife doesn't understand the self-harm, and I don't blame her. But to have to admit to her that it just feels good to do it would be even harder for her to comprehend...

I know I have trouble talking about it with even people I trust, let alone someone random, but I don't feel comfortable addressing it with my male T... I tried reaching out to some self-harm treatment centers and some sexual abuse treatment centers, but they don't see it much, so they don't really know how to respond... I'm at a total loss... and I don't really know how to make heads or tails of the growing urges again. It's easier through a screen, but even then I have a really difficult time... and I don't want to talk about it with just anyone, I would much prefer a professional... I had thought the bdsm route may be favorable, but it lacks the "other person" component... and I would still likely get hospitalized for damage done to myself...

In a round about way, I guess I'm saying I'm scared I'm going to start again and get hooked again, and it's really going to mess things up, but there is no one to talk about it with...