My brother vanishes for years at a time. He contacts family when he has some desperate need for . . . well, usually for money. He'll tell one family member some awful story about some other family member treating him terribly. The stories don't even sound that plausible. When we compare notes, we find that he is manufacturing woppers. He's in and out of jail . . . in and out of homelessness. It's very sad. He is an alcoholic for many years. He's violent. All his life, he's been hugely angry toward other people. His story is always that someone is victimizing him. He seems to take no responsibility for, in any way, causing his own difficulties. He actually seems to do better when he's locked up.

I've posted about him before because interacting with him has caused me a great deal of stress at times. Some few years ago, I offered to help him in any way, thinking that he might benefit from some prolonged support and planning not to get discouraged if it took a good while for him to get situated. He moves all around the country and gets into trouble, and then he just moves on. He came out to live near me, after I sent the money to get him out of jail. I knew he was disturbed, but I didn't realize how kind of hopeless he seems to be. Not long after he got to my part of the country, he was back in trouble with the law for violent disorderly behavior.

So for several years now, he has alternated between acting like I'm a friend he kind of values to acting like I'm the cause of a lot of his troubles. I sure wish I had a sister like me. I've hung in there with him longer than anyone else in the family has. After the latest few instances of him becoming bizarrely angry at me, some time passed, and then he called saying he was through with me forever. I've tried to tell myself that this will not be a bad thing for me. He's awful to be around . . . constantly belittling me. He's domineering and agressive. At times, he seems pathetically lonesome. I've really felt sorry for him. I thought that, in time, he would come to trust that I've meant him well.

That is not how it has played out. I'm sorry for whatever psychic trauma has him so hostile toward me (along with everyone else in the world that he deals with.) He just spews out hostility and tells incoherent stories about everyone, including me, having conspired against him. Usually, I've just ignored this behavior and stayed away from him, until he calms down and contacts me like nothing ever happened. I don't know if anyone reading this can even decipher what I'm describing. He's almost indescribable. One day, he'll be telling me he wants to buy me some expensive gift. Two weeks later he'll be accusing me of something horrible, and I can't even follow what he's accusing me of. Aside from the problems that typically occur in the life of heavy drinkers, he has a tendency to be very mean. (I've known alcoholics who weren't violent . . . weren't particularly mean.)

The best advice I've ever gotten about relating to him has come to me from Al Anon.

I don't know if anyone can follow this description, but he's practically impossible to relate to. The drinking is part of it. But there is a whole lot more to it than the drinking. He had some tendencies toward sadistic behavior even as a child. It's hard for me to even type that.

Given his pattern, it is entirely possible that I may just never hear from him again. He's always seemed very insecure and that has made me feel sorry for him. Now I feel more sorry for myself with how much I put in to helping him over the past few years and seeing him turn on me like he has. In time, I expect I'll get over the shock of his last communication with me. (Actually, it wasn't that big of a surprise.) I did get kind of shocked, but I've been through this before with him. My first feeling is: what is so wrong with me that he would treat me like this? Then I think that is how he eventually treats everyone. It's like he has no capacity for empathy. He knows I'm not in the best of health and having a rough time. He knows I'm really struggling. I guess what I mourn for is that I did think he was a better person than he is turning out to be. I have to let go of that illusion. Other family members have warned me for years about the futility and danger of being involved with him.

Thanks for any feedback anyone can give me. I seem to feel a great sense of failure on my part that I couldn't manage my interaction with him more successfully. Maybe that was hoping for the impossible. I called one of my sisters who told me that one of us will eventually hear from him again. She said that will happen when he needs something. She treated him with a great deal of kindness in the past. In return, he just spoke awful about her. We've taken turns over the years baling him out of jail . . . letting him live with us . . . sending him money. I've visited him in hospitals . . . in rehab. I've gone to court to be there for him. It's like all that counts for nothing. I'm surprised that - just out of self-interest - that he wouldn't make like he has some feelings for us. Instead, he goes out of his way to communicate contempt.

I asked him why he even bothered calling me to tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. It's a little like what I'ld expect from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, only he is so profoundly dark and hostile.

Mainly, I just want to get over it and not get sucked into the craziness anymore. Writing this helped. Thanks for reading.