Hello byebye and welcome to the forum. I've spent a number of years feeling like an outsider, like everyone but me got the manual on how to be with each other. I've learned some things recently that seem to explain how I got that way. Here's a Wiki link to attachment theory:

Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My mother was pretty neurotic and not good with children. Soon after I was born she went back to work in a factory. In the link above you'll find and explanation of how bad experiences in the first few months of life can do serious, long lasting harm. Finding a therapist willing to approach your issues from that perspective might be a good start. Also 'The Compassionate Mind' by Paul Gilbert gives a great explanation of influences on our development that are beyond our control.

Recognizing that you couldn't be any other way than how you are at this point is a beginning for developing compassion and kindness towards yourself and moving towards a happier life.