Hi. My name is Michelle. I was diagnosed Bipolar II and ADHD in Feb. Of this year after completing the MMPI and a computerized ADHD test. I will be 45 years old soon. Although I am "newly" or "officially" diagnosed, I have always known some things weren't quite right with my mood swings, depressed feelings and anger control issues among other things. In my late 20's I did seek out assistance from therapist's and psychiatrists and I was put on a few different antidepressants that were not effective and did not help manage any of the symptoms I was a seeking to control. None of them suggested I actually get tested. Nor was i ever formally diagnosed. They based their "treatment" on conjecture and my self self reports of what I was experiencing (moods, feelings, anger, etc...) Perhaps in the end I did not articulate my distress clearly enough. Funny, because I am a professional, full time working mother of 3 wonderful boys....ironically as a social worker. I make a living helping families identify needs and strengths and ensure they access services necessary to live happy and productive lives. Hmmm...
I know nothing short of chaos and noise daily. I am more manic than depressed. I was put on ritalin and
lamictal at the end of Feb (25 mg to start) and had just increased to 50 mg at the beginning of March and ended up having what they eventually determined was an allergic reaction to that drug, that put me in the hospital for 8 days and nearly killed me I have never been allergic to any meds and have always been in remarkable shape/health and it wiped me out. Im finally, today feeling healthy and oh so close to my "normal".....but unmedicated for bipolar until final blood work indicates my liver is fully functional (damaged by reaction). I have continued to take Ritalin since being back to work at the end of March.
I am truly looking forward to finding the right "combo" of medication because I need and want help.
The bipolar has caused significant damage in relationships past and present (I just separated from my partner of 3 years), work (come a year at a job I'm bored and looking for the next one), my children's lives, financially (manic spending sprees since my first one at age 18), inability to follow through with simple things or make any plans (immediate or future), and just life in general, for as long as I can remember.
Moreover, I feel like an outsider in my own life.... like I can't choose what I really truly want, desire and know is right because of all the noise and chaos surrounding me most times. I do know I am, however responsible for all my action's and words. I can keep it all together at work with no problems. My ADHD gets the better of me there, but my Ritalin works great to keep me focused and on task. My anger, rages, mood swings, mania and a bit of depression consumes all other parts of my life probably 80% of the time.
I have been looking at the blogs, reading, researching, educating myself about what THIS truly is/means. I don't want this disorder but I have no choice. Its always been a part of. I'm mad "I have it". I hate how it makes me feel. But I also know I accept it and just want help. Im very interested in reading and hearing more from members that have and continue to struggle, about failures and successes. I want and need the insight and wisdom and perhaps advice from other bipolars (is that what we are called?)
I know how this has negatively impacted the most important parts of my life (my kids in particular) and I want to know that there is hope for managing and overcoming this disorder. I am a true optimist. I know I am a strong woman and I believe that the next half of my life will not be controlled by this disorder....I am looking for the support and the "how". I look forward to our future chats.