I was thinking about coming clean and writing about the trauma that I’ve been subjected through over the span of all of those degrading years. Thoughts about what to write, about how terrified I was, and for how long, and add a few specific details in order to demonstrate how I suffered in order to prove that I was worthy of your sympathy. And then I stopped. Do I need to prove that I belong?

Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of the whole miserable affair that was cast onto me by another ruthless selfish person and persons. I survived a long abusive marriage and I got my children and myself out without losing my life. I fought with my internal thoughts of self degradation, and with the biting words of others, and slowly over time, I learned to stand up to the forces that hold me down. I cried for years, did the wrong thing, did the right thing, did nothing at all and yet didn’t give up. So many people can look in and judge what happened from start to finish and cast superficial judgments on me, but the truth of the matter is no one can know what I’ve been through unless they have walked in my shoes. I wonder why people are so critical of people who are in abusive relationships and I realize that maybe it is because it is too close to their own vulnerabilities. Or maybe they are the abusers and it gives them a high into believing that they are superior. I don’t know and I don’t care anymore.

I am who I am and as cracked and twisted as I’ve become while I’ve aged, I know that I am still that kind gentle girl that started this life so many years ago. The core of who I am have never changed and I will continue to wake up every day and keep moving forward to discover something else.

If I was to give anyone advise, who is going though their own personal hell, I would say never give up. I know it sounds as trite as a silly bumper sticker, but in those few words are a cornucopia of wisdom. Life moves forward and with a little effort, things will change. As painfully slow as the process may seem during your time of sorrow, there is always a new tomorrow where you can try again. When you find yourself walking in hell, keep walking.