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Apr 23, 2013, 11:02 AM
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Member Since: Dec 2012
Location: California
Posts: 2,248
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I thought I heard that you suggest that the OP should not ask and should instead work on why they want to know.
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But when the pattern is well-established, and the obsession has been discussed pretty clearly in therapy, and boundaries have been articulated, then I guess I do think the client should try to adjust the behavior. At the very least, rather than persist in asking the personal questions, talk about feeling the need to ask--deal with it as a therapy issue. This may be impossible, if it's a true obsession (much like an addiction)--but then the T should be addressing it.
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I can see your point, although perhaps this is where we part and disagree. Since the therapist answered the questions, and clearly was capable of not answering the question as she initially didn't, either the cl didn't breach the boundary, or the T was not clear about hte boundary.
Although I agree with your last statement - if all those things are true, then the T should be addressing it. The client should haven't to worry about what is okay and not okay to say, ask, etc.
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In this case, I think the T made an error by answering. She acted inconsistently about an on-going issue in the therapy. It sounds like she was taken aback and a bit thrown at the time. Understandable.
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I think again we part. I'm not convinced the T made an error. Maybe she made an error, but I don't feel like I can know that. So much is involved than just what is written about here. I'd probably also find it difficult for someone to tell me definitively that my T was not doing things well enough (although I'm sure it's true on occasion). So much goes in to therapy.
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But now the focus has moved to discomfort and doubts about the T's worth.
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okay I missed that part. I remember wondering how getting a divorce would impact therapy, but I read that a little different from the t's worth.
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Whether or not to apologize.
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Actually I resonated wtih that. I'm not sure an apology is the issue as much as the discomfort. People often apologize when they experience discomfort. I would think that would work itself out, and more important for the client to take the issue to the T, than to sit on it. Perhaps the discomfort is exactly what you think happened, and through the apology they will get to the issue of why she wants to know. Maybe. I guess my sense is T often isn't in a straight line and I often learn things when things go awry.
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Everything but the issue that drove the questioning in the first place.
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I wonder if they would get there eventually by doing what is alive in them, rather than trying to figure out what they don't know is going on.
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Absolutely, the T should be bringing this to the client's attention so that it can be worked out in the room. And I hope she will.
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I imagine that if it is an issue that interferes with therapy, it can't help but come into the room.
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Triangulation is just what you think it is: bringing a third entity into a relationship. This T set up clear boundaries about seeking info about her husband. Then she answered a question that very much involved her husband. I don't see that as a change of mind as much as a corruption of the therapy frame because allowing that boundary to be violated has created harm. Now it's an issue between T and client, damaging the frame, which creates distance in the therapeutic relationship.
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Hmm. I'll have to think about that. I'm not so sure that husband=marriage, that the therapist is clear, or that there has been corruption, or harm. I've actually had my therapist makes a mistake that turned out to lead to one of the most wonderful moments of therapy. I guess I don't see the issue about the boundary as resolved and clear for either of them. I guess I don't see all issues between T and client as damaging the framework. For me, part of the framework is working out issues between T and client, and sometimes it takes a few sessions. I wish my T NEVER EVER made a mistake. particularly given my prior experience. And yet I learned that far more important than the T NEVER making a mistake is the ability to discuss and resolve mistakes (either by T or cl). So I guess I don't see this as as serious as you.
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That's an armchair analysis, FWIW. I hope it works out.
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I believe you. You sound like you really care what happens and have spent time and shared yourself to try and help. I hope it works out too.
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