People have different views on my intellectual ability when they encounter me, they either think I'm very smart or very dumb. The doctor that diagnosed me thought I was some kind of genius, but seemed very confused why I acted the way I did. I'm guessing he thought depression and paranoia distorted my way of thinking which in many cases it seems to, where it can make me come off dumb, because I would misinterpret what people say, and think it's some sort of attack against me, even when I try to think otherwise, the paranoid thoughts manifest, take over, and can often become obsessive. In some cases I noticed, I would know what people are saying, but then pretend I don't and act like I don't because I would try to nullify the conversation by changing my identity and expecting people to read my thoughts and just get it. It might sound strange, but that's the best way I know how to describe it.

It is always difficult for me to write coherent speech, I usually spend lots of time trying to put my words together. I'm able to do so a lot better now, because, and I don't recommend this to anyone, but I've been trying to self medicate by smoking marijuana. It has done horrible things for me in the past, but recently it felt like it was bringing me back into this world, where I was able to function and socialize like a normal person. It also gave me this out worldly kind of view, where I could understand myself better and comprehend how people thought of me. I depended on alcohol a lot, but now I noticed that alcohol really had been making my symptoms worse, and certain medications haven't been helping either. Mixing both marijuana and alcohol a few days ago just made me really depressed and scared of who I am and what I'm capable of, so I dug up some of my old prescription medicine (haloperidol) and started taking them. I've been able to control my self for the past couple days ever since, learning a lot from the marijuana experience. The medicine makes me feel kind of like a zombie, but I realize now that I rather be a zombie than have people hate me all the time. I also don't have a doctor currently, but have been finally approved for SSI, so that is currently in the works.