I thought it about time that I start to talk a little about the sexual issues I have . I hate this but I don’t know how long I can continue to be at war with my own feelings...

Something that I really struggle with is that I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I have sexual urges, and I definitely have a lot of them; it can be overwhelming at times. Even admitting that I have them is uncomfortable and not something I will normally do. It might sound ridiculous but to me having sexual desires is an extremely private and guarded secret. Under no circumstances will I talk about this or anything sexual with a healthcare professional, a T, or anyone that knows me. A few times I have considered creating a second account to be able to talk about these things without the PC community knowing it was me.

I have a difficult and disturbing relationship with sex and sexual desires. As I child I was sexually abused and for a long time I believed that I was nothing more than an object of sexual pleasure for adults; indeed, I thought all children were and that that was why adults had children. I didn’t understand I was being abused – I thought it was how the world worked.

When I started to mature that was when I began a war with my sexual desires. I felt and continue to feel like I shouldn’t have these desires and that they are wrong and bad. Even now it can be hard for me to be around women my own age because I feel attracted to them, and I feel like I shouldn’t have that attraction, which creates this kind of mental and physical war with myself.

An older friend of mine has a daughter about 2 years younger than me and she is super attractive, kind, and intelligent. I would definitely like to be closer to her, but I don’t want that to conflict with my relationship with her dad. As of now she doesn’t seem interested in me whatsoever but respects me because she is kind and I am close to her dad.

The issue I have is when around women I find attractive is that I feel overwhelmed with this war in me, and this recently happened with the aforementioned female. It started like, “Wow she is attractive,” but then because I feel bad that I thought that I attempt to fight it with thoughts like, “No! Shut up! I’m not supposed to think that,” and it continues on and on, becoming worse until I am away from her. I can start to sweat, feel anxious, a plethora of reactions because of this internal war.

I don’t know. It’s hard to explain this. I don’t know how to relax. The same is how I feel about seeing sexual acts on TV/movies, pornography, etc. I am attracted to it, sometimes with overwhelming feelings, but I feel like I am not supposed to be.

What I have worried so long about is what if I am inside a horrible human being, like a rapist or pervert, that will hurt others? . I don’t know what is healthy or not and my feelings are all over the place. I’ve always thought that if I kept a stranglehold on my desires/urges and denied myself anything that aroused me I could contain an inner demon that I felt has always been there :O .

I am so messed in the head…