I am continually surprised at myself about just how naieve I am, or rather, just how naieve I keep allowing myself to be.

It truly is astonishing to me, when, over and over again, I'll start to allow my defenses to drop just a little, then BAM! Seemingly out of nowhere, a metal trashcan lid smokes me square in the face! "A trashcan lid?" you say to yourself. " What a weird metaphor to use!" And just tad bit "dramatic," don't ya think? Well, there's a reason for that; (aside from the fact that I have strong histrionic tendencies) actually there are two reasons...

Another thing that always amazes me is: I know it's coming, I expect it to come, yet I never, ever see it coming? EVER! Why is that? Am I masochistic? I guess I could be considered that way to a degree because of borderline/self-sabotaging behaviours (or would that be sadistic, because I am, after all, my own punisher?), but geez, does it have to be so "underground" in my psyche?

What's even more amazing to me is that I can take someone else's problem and/or pain, make it my own, then proceed to pummel myself relentlessly until I am on the floor all bruised and battered. Only after I give myself a good poo-kicking do I realize that it is not my pain I am dealing with; it's not even my problem! Like, I'm not creative enough to come up with my own stuff, that I have to borrow other people's pain? C'mon! What the %#$& is wrong with me???

Maybe, if I looked at it like I am lifting part of a load off someone, then it would be worth it, right(?), and I can get some sort of - I don't know - comfort(?) from it all? I certainly don't learn anything more from it...

Unfortunately, I know this is not reality.

These patterns are all so evident to me - even as I progress further and further into them - I still see what I am doing! The disconnect comes in the inability to stop it! I am even lucid enough to practice techniques designed to help curb these behaviours, but do they work for me? NOOOOOO. The same pattern just keeps appearing and I keep following it like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Oh well, maybe things will be different from now on. Maybe the simple act of writing this down and just sending it off into cyberspace will change things. I doubt it though. I've discussed this issue ad-nauseum with my therapist and it hasn't changed a thing. Oh well, 'se la vie', as they say!

I'm so exhausted. My body hurts, my mind is mush and my heart aches so much, I feel like it's going to explode inside of my chest. I am so surprised it hasn't yet!

There is one good thing about my struggles - "time and unforseen occurrence" (Ecc9:11) will befall me sooner or later. Most times I wish it would be sooner.