I just saw T#9 for session #3. I told him I was ready for him to help me. He said he could do that. I told him I was tired of constantly thinking about xT and what he did to me, that I was tired of feeling f***ed up because I still want to see xT, and tired of fantasizing about what I could do to be a thorn in his side (not hurting him, just keeping in his thoughts his failure with me and the consequences to me). He asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with OCD. No. He was referring to my obsessive thinking. But on the other hand, he said whatever I was going through was "normal." I guess I should have felt reassured by that. He asked me several times "What are you thinking?" Is it just me, or is this a psycho-cliche? I told him that I really believe it would help if xT could just acknowledge his part, if we could just work it out between the two of us. He said the system doesn't work that way. That besides being unable to admit anything to me for legal reasons, my recourse is through the Board of Psychology and then the matter would be between B of P and xT, if B of P deemed it a matter to investigate.

I left T#9 not feeling helped. But wondering if there's any help for me. Because even if I can work through this thing that happened with xT, there's still all the f***ed-upness that I had before it happened. Like it's all in layers, and uncovering the top layer only to find more layers beneath. And how can we uncover them at the snail's pace of 45 minutes a week? I'm old. I don't have that much time.

I'm sorry this is all so negative. And I hope no one comes down on me for admitting I have fantasies, or anything else I've said. I just feel so hopeless, and not a little ashamed for spilling this.