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Syra · Apr 23, 2013, 09:50 PM

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Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I just saw T#9 for session #3. I told him I was ready for him to help me. He said he could do that. I told him I was tired of constantly thinking about xT and what he did to me, that I was tired of feeling f***ed up because I still want to see xT, and tired of fantasizing about what I could do to be a thorn in his side (not hurting him, just keeping in his thoughts his failure with me and the consequences to me).

I totally get that. I too am tired of constantly thinking about my exT who did bad things. I'm tired of feeling damaged. For far too long I still wanted to see xT, although I'm finally over that. I'm tired of hoping maybe some day there will be healing with her. I agree with your T, it's normal. I also understand that normal can still feel really lousy. Is it like that? or something different?

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He asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with OCD. No. He was referring to my obsessive thinking.

Hmmm. How did you feel about that question?

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But on the other hand, he said whatever I was going through was "normal." I guess I should have felt reassured by that. He asked me several times "What are you thinking?" Is it just me, or is this a psycho-cliche?

LOL. Probably. Sometimes those things work. sometimes they don't

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I told him that I really believe it would help if xT could just acknowledge his part, if we could just work it out between the two of us. He said the system doesn't work that way. That besides being unable to admit anything to me for legal reasons, my recourse is through the Board of Psychology and then the matter would be between B of P and xT, if B of P deemed it a matter to investigate.[/COLOR][/B]

I think it would help me if my exT acknowedged her part and we could work it out, too. That so resonates with me. I felt the pain in me of it being unresolved when I read your words (which is okay. I'm fine. It's good for me to experience this until I resolve it.)

I fine your T's answer a little curious. It may be true that they are unlikely to admit anything for legal reasons, it's actually a bad strategy. People are LESS likely to sue when professionals are deeply sorry for what happened, especially if they are connected to the T, than if they are hurt and angry at the T. I don't understand why a private resolution is off the table. TAht doesn't make sense to me. I'm pretty sure the BofP might bring some sense of being heard, maybe justice, and perhaps protect the public, but I doubt it will bring my healing between you and the T, which is what you want.

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I left T#9 not feeling helped. But wondering if there's any help for me. Because even if I can work through this thing that happened with xT, there's still all the f***ed-upness that I had before it happened. Like it's all in layers, and uncovering the top layer only to find more layers beneath. And how can we uncover them at the snail's pace of 45 minutes a week? I'm old. I don't have that much time.

So first you have to someone work through enough of exT that you can then work on all the stuff you originally went to exT for. That does sound like a lot. Does it feel overwhelming?
I don't know if it helps to hear this, so feel free to ignore. For me, the places where I was hurt were there for me before just like for you. But in working through what happened, it helped on the work I originally went to do. It's not hte recommended way, and it doesn't absolve the T for anything, but for me it's wasn't just another thing added on - it was (and is) part of my work anyway.

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I'm sorry this is all so negative. And I hope no one comes down on me for admitting I have fantasies, or anything else I've said. I just feel so hopeless, and not a little ashamed for spilling this.

Hmm. I hear you reviewing what happened in session, and considering it, and articulating your questions, and recognizing your feelings. And this feels hopeless and you feel a little ashamed for writing htis but still had the strength to reach out for support. Is that it? Is there more?

I'm glad you are talking about it. I see strength in your continuing to struggle with this and try to figure out what to do and what works for you, and not stuffing the pain, and reaching out for help even while feeling hopeless.