NW12, thank you for understanding. It is very healing to have pain understood. To be treated in a hard-hearted way by someone you've loved is awful. I am sorry for whatever pain has driven him to be as he is. He says he didn't get treated well enough by our parents. My father was hard on him . . . but he also tried repeatedly to help him. My father was hard on everyone he knew, at one time or another. He was hard on me from time to time. But I saw my father as a complex human being. There were things I didn't admire about him, and there were many things I did. My brother reduces everyone to some sort of a cartoon villain.

My parents grew to be afraid of him. I kept minimizing the importance of all the evidence that he was heartless. Yes, every human being does have a heart, but it can get rusted up with lack of use to try and understand the concerns and needs of others. My brother and I grew up in a time when, if anything was wrong with you, it was supposed to be your parents' fault. He and I both bought into that, and I am sorry that I reinforced some of his blaming. I outgrew that kind of thinking. I became grateful for the struggle my parents put into raising us. I told my father that repeatedly at the end of his life. My brother seems to be incapable of feeling gratitude toward anyone for anything. Over the years, I acted in kind and thoughtful ways toward him on a number of occasions when I thought he was having a hard time. I thought it was odd that he never acknowledged my gestures. Now I know that was a warning. It meant that "Nothing that anyone ever does for me is enough." I would even send him a written apology, if I thought some thoughtless remark I made had upset him.

He seemed to be always trying to provoke me with insulting remarks. I would just pay no attention. That was a mistake. When someone is blatantly disrespectful, they should be immediately called on it in clear terms. I will adopt that policy. I had been afraid that I would alienate him by doing that. I was surrendering my own right to be treated with some regard for my dignity as a human being. That was foolish of me. I thought I was acting mature, but I was enabling his sickness.

Here is the weird thing. I kind of believe that what has made him so angry is his failure to be able to get a reaction from his constant button pushing. I think this latest thing he did is basically more button pushing.

NWgirl, unlike your brother, mine is unable to convince anyone in the whole world that he is an okay person. I tried to convince myself of that. Everyone gently told me over the past few years that I was having my trust abused. Here is another difference. My parents left him nothing of what they had. My sister, who inherited most, has felt so bad about that that she sends him money regularly out of what she inherited. I think he might have hit the jackpot in the "sister" department. It seems to do him little good, though. He makes himself so unhappy, living with all his bitterness.

One of his lawyers told me that "he will eventually meet a more vicious version of himself, and the law of the streets will deal with him." I thought that was a chilling thing to hear and inappropriate of the lawyer. Now, I kind of appreciate the lawyer being that frank with me. I turn all this over in my mind.

I would like to find some support in my area. The Mayo Clinic link, above, encourages that also.