Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
This is, of course, inspired by Rainbow's thread, but my intention (and hope) is to not apply this to her situation. Because it occurred to me that the issue of therapists breaking, in one way or another, their own boundaries is something I've heard come up here every once in a while and it might be worth exploring.
So I'm going to offer a hypothetical and then I'd be really interested in knowing what you guys think.
Let's say my therapist and I have agreed that I can e-mail once a week, and thus far I've been good about complying with this. However, one week, something really big comes up, and I e-mail a second time. He responds to the e-mail and doesn't say anything about our agreement, either in his response or in session.
So, what if I then go on to send an extra e-mail the following week, and maybe even the week after that (and it's not life or death stuff).
1) Am I 'justified' in continuing to send extra e-mails based on the fact that my therapist 'violated his own boundary' that one time? Is he being 'inconsistent' (thus unnecessarily confusing the patient) or did he just make a considered decision to make that exception? Is it okay for me to continue sending more than one e-mail a week because, by making that exception, the therapist was, in fact, conveying to me, that the boundary no longer exists?
2) If I send an extra e-mail the following week (and it's really not life or death) and my therapist scolds me for this (i.e. come on now, we agreed to once a week, we talked about not doing therapy by e-mail) would I be justified in responding, "But you broke the boundary yourself! You answered my e-mail and didn't say there was anything wrong with me sending it. How can you criticize me for doing it!"
This is somewhat oversimplified, I know there would normally be various factors to consider, but what do you guys think about this, on the face of it? And what other factors may come into play?
Thanks!
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Hi Ultramar
Boundaries are such a big subject for so many of us aren't they - what they mean, how we feel about them, what it feels like to have boundaries, do they mean something safe or scary and so on. The way we feel has so much to do with how it was for us as little ones and how safe we were.
I believe that our needs are all different and varying and so will the way we view boundaries and what boundaries feel like for us. The Boundaries in the therapy room are there to be pushed and tested - it is the job of the client to do that - and the job of the therapist to hold something safe but not rigid. That is how we get a real sense of a boundary for ourselves - of knowing where we end and another begins - of feeling secure and safe in relationships and the world. If we weren't given that as children then we can be very afraid of boundaries - because we haven't a clue where they are or when we will come up against them and how we might get hurt by them. That can make us very afraid of boundaries and afraid when they change or are more flexible. All those feelings help us to understand how it was for us and experiencing safe, firm, yet kind boundaries helps us to install internal boundaries to help us have happier and safer relationships in the future.
As a therapist, and as a client, I have learned to understand the need to be flexible, to listen to, and adapt to the needs of the client as the work progresses. So sometimes it will mean me changing how it was in the beginning as I listen to what it is the client needs - much as a mother adapts to the individual needs of her different children - and what works for one may not work for another and just as with a mother - mistakes are made - ruptures occur. It is in the repair of those ruptures that healing occurs. There are times when gentle love is needed, sometimes where tougher love is needed, but always with the needs of the client in mind. If I change a boundary, I don't see it as a violation but as a flexibility, a yielding, to enable the work to progress. But any change in the frame needs to be worked with and the feelings around that understood - because it can be scary.
So, in your example, what was the boundary initially might need to evolve to be more helpful to the client - and if it feels it's getting too much for the client to manage then it can be talked about and we could try to hold a boundary that feels safe but also where a connection can be maintained between sessions, if that is needed. It's not about me being all powerful and authorative, it's about negotiation and understanding. I get furious when I hear of therapists who are rigid and unrelenting with boundaries,clearly to the detriment of the client - to me, that shows more about their struggles with boundaries than that of their clients. The boundaries are there for their benefit, most certainly not for the clients.
Apologies for getting on my soapbox but I feel very strongly about this - I will step down now!
Moon
