The layers are certainly there for me as well. I relate. Just because you felt hopeless in that moment, does not mean YOU are hopeless or helpless.

I remember thinking that I could only "heal" in those 45 minutes - which is ironic since it ended up being abusive. Healing occurs within us, not "by" someone. Healing existed long before psychotherapy ever did. I also believe in the power of good therapy. I think it ought to make us feel empowered in our own abilities, rather than the therapist being the key, or the God. You reaching out, your writings - all of that is you leading your own healing.

Is this the most amount of sessions you've had with a new therapist? Do you know what he could have said to make you feel more helped? If you know what you need from a therapist, you can lead your next session that way. Just a thought.

I would say repetitive thinking is very normal with the trauma you have been through.
With Hope.