Hmmm, my mum is quite an affectionate person.

Anyway, I've been doing a bit of reading in the interim. I believe I know what the cause of this issue is for me.

My mum says that ever since I went to meet my dad when I was about 11-12; I've been completely cold to everyone. I personally don't remember much of it, but my mum has told me what happened.
It was my first time meeting him and I was so excited, I was imagining something like you see in the movies; I was also very curious to see what he was like. After about here I can't remember much.

After talking to him for a while, he told me that he was moving to England to get married. So I guess it was a bit of like "Oh hey I'm your dad. By the way, I'm moving to a strange country on the other side of the world to start a new family."
He's divorced her since then and I met him again when I was 20. We now have a little bit of a relationship, but it's very awkward. He remarried some time last year and while I like my step mother and sister a lot, I just can't help but have a burning, vindictive hatred for my step sister. And even though I like her, and I know that nothing is her fault; I just loathe every fibre of her being.

Affection is the emotion that makes me the most sick, and then sadness, regret, sorrow and to a slightly lesser extent, happiness. With hatred, anger, loathing, rage I feel the most comfortable. I'm fairly certain that if I let myself feel these emotions I would literally vomit.

It makes it so hard to actually keep friends without them ending up hating me and sometimes I even sabotage my own friendships because I think they've lasted too long. The reason for that being, I went to 7 primary schools so I never really had a friend longer than 2 years. High school I kept to myself, but I was bullied a lot all through school. I would take a lot of it but I would eventually explode into a blind rage and put whoever was bullying me at the time and sometimes others in hospital. I'm not even kidding with that last part.

I've been talking to my friend about it for a bit, she thinks I have nervous reactions to particular emotions. I don't want to be this way, I want to be able to show emotion because it's damaging the relationship I'm currently in, but I don't know what it is or what to do and I don't know if I can talk to my girlfriend about it because I choke up and feel sick again when I do. She wants affection from me, but I just feel like I can't give it to her because of this and I feel like it's a wonder we've been together this long without her giving up earlier.