Hi again, Mr. V -
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous
Something that I really struggle with is that I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I have sexual urges, and I definitely have a lot of them; it can be overwhelming at times. Even admitting that I have them is uncomfortable and not something I will normally do. It might sound ridiculous but to me having sexual desires is an extremely private and guarded secret. Under no circumstances will I talk about this or anything sexual with a healthcare professional, a T, or anyone that knows me.
. . .
I have a difficult and disturbing relationship with sex and sexual desires. As I child I was sexually abused and for a long time I believed that I was nothing more than an object of sexual pleasure for adults; indeed, I thought all children were and that that was why adults had children. I didn’t understand I was being abused – I thought it was how the world worked.
When I started to mature that was when I began a war with my sexual desires. I felt and continue to feel like I shouldn’t have these desires and that they are wrong and bad. Even now it can be hard for me to be around women my own age because I feel attracted to them, and I feel like I shouldn’t have that attraction, which creates this kind of mental and physical war with myself.
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Ah! I can see how this would make things extremely difficult with the opposite sex. There are a couple of other men on here with past sexual abuse who have posted about problems with sex . . . with their wives. One didn't want sex and after obliging his wife would run to the shower, and his wife did not understand. The other felt that he was being the abuser by having sex with his wife. In other words - men who have been abused have the same kind of difficulties as women who have been abused in this way.
But surely it is possible to heal from that.
You are no monster, but simply have been harmed by what happened in the past. And feel disturbed, and emotions do telegraph to other people, even if they are then often misinterpreted. And of course being Aspie brings interpersonal issues as well.
Good luck to you - and congrats on posting at least here. I hope the shame and disturbing feelings drain away, as there is nothing wrong with you, it seems, but only with what was done to you!